Well here's good ol Nick, coming back roaring with his howling commandoes. He's got the skinny on three pretty cool projects. I have to hurry, they are closing the media center on me. More updates tomorrow... harry..
Okay, Harry, Nick Fury is back and reporting for duty. Cracked the code on a vault full of Hollywood projects, fresh from my successes with the Mage movie.
Oh, and sorry about that whole Doomtrooper/ Warhammer 40K mix-up. So sue me. All them games seem the same to me. Yeah, and I screwed up the whole LOBO Dreen/ Drell/ Prell thing, and I loused up the screenwriter's name. Who cares. He should create characters with better names, and change his own damn name so that people who speak English can say it.
Now shut up and listen. Here's the scoop:
FLAWLESS
Get ready, Mighty Joe Hallenback. Pucker up and open wide. Your biggest nightmare looks like it's rolling. It's a script written by JOEL SCHUMACHER, getting made by MGM, and starring none other than ROBERT DENIRO! The film that Hallenback is certain to hate...
It's funny, it's cute, and it's got some streetwise attitude. The script is called Flawless, and it's written by Joel, and it concerns a retired security guard (DeNiro) who has a stroke. When he has to go to physical therapy to recover his lost speech skills, circumstances dictate that he take these lessons from a gay drag queen. The guard, of course, is a homophobe. And (surprise, surprise) the drag queen teaches the guard something, and the guard teaches the drag queen something. Happy ending invariably follows.
Truth be told, it's not bad. It's a bit of sacchrine, and a bit of authentic emotion. I'm frankly amazed that it's readable, considering Schumacher's record with the BAT...
Now for the next amazing scoop.
BONE COLLECTOR
This thingee is a DENZEL WASHINGTON movie, ready to roll from UNIVERSAL, and starring Angelina Jolie with Denzel. The story's pretty simple. Jolie's character stumbles across a victim in a serial killing, perpetrated by the Bone Collector, who takes bones from his victim's body. Once she meets Denzel's character, an expert investigator who is paralyzed from the neck down, he enlists her aid as his hands, eyes, and feet in the field to help him track the killer.
It's kinda like SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, but this time Hannibal Lecter is nice guy Denzel Washington. I personally thought it sucked--it's a plain Jane vanilla serial killer story, without any twists. Like we need another onna those...
Saving the best for last...
What's Billy Bob Thornton's next movie? What's Vince Vaughn's next movie (and it ain't MAGE)? What's Peter Fonda's next movie? What's Dwight Yoakam's next movie? Alright, already, I'll tell ya. SOUTH OF HEAVEN, WEST OF HELL.
It's a script written by Yoakam, and it kicks almighty ass. Think Sam Peckinpah. Who needs the politically correct hoo-hah of DANCES WITH WOLVES, or the postmodern angst of UNFORGIVEN (okay, that's a great movie, but you know what I'm saying... by the way, I'd probably let Clint play my role in the three hour biopic of everyone's favorite commando, Nick Fury...)? SOUTH OF HEAVEN is a good old fashioned western, like the kind they used to make, but with an R rating. This one's got dirty sex, it's got torture, it's got authentic regional dialogue, and two-fisted, ass kicking action. A western like westerns were meant to be.
Short story is this--lawman VALENTINE MATHERS is protecting a small New Mexican town when the HENRY clan comes to call, lead by LELAND, who is bound in a wheel chair, and his nasty son TAYLOR. The NOGALES KID is there, too... Leland and his kids kick the crap out of the town, and Val is disgraced forever... Months later, The Henrys and Val cross paths again, and this time Val's gonna make them pay...
Doesn't sound like much, but the script is pretty damn massive (a veritable saga), and Dwight is proving to be a damn good screenwriter.
Highlight has the Nogales Kid, stuck in prison--Federal Agent Otts comes by to question him about the whereabouts of Val Mathers. Nogales doesn't care. He's hardly even listening. When his Mexican lover Rosana comes by, she drops her top and pushes her breasts into a niche in the prison wall... Nogales drops his drawers, sticks his face through the wall to kiss her breasts, and begins to whack off right there in the prison cell! Hoo-weee!
Later on, Nogales busts (no pun intended, gang) out and smashes the Sheriff's face in with a couple of rocks... And he makes Otts beg for his life. Now that's villainy!
The long and the short of this one is, if it's directed well, it's an instant classic. Especially to you film-happy geek boys out there.
Okay. Writing these fancy words is tiring me out. I gotta get some shut-eye. Fury over and out. .
