Oh... my god, I'm laughing so hard at this review... Damn this sounds like passing a string of razorblades through your colon. Read this and howl... I can't imagine going to a theater to see AMELIE, and then having this experience...
Hey Harry,
If don't think I have ever, in my 24 years of life, ever likened a movie-going experience to rape. Until last night that is. If bad were measured in currency, then 'THE WASH' starring Snoop Dogg & Dr Dre would be clearing millions of dollars per second. Now I hate to be one of the thousand film reviewers here who give a little insight into what they did before they saw the film they're reviewing but in this case (as in all of them I'm sure) it's important.
Me and two of my friends got together last night to hang out. We were planning to check out AMELIE but that plan was scratched once we found out the only showing was at 11. We all have work at 7am. So of course, being the old folks we all are, that was out of the question. Shit, I have to wake up at 6:30 and be out the door by 6:35 to get to the office in time. As you can see, I value sleep more than personal hygiene. One of the advantages of being a slob is that I'm repellant and less contact with co-workers means less work for the skunky black kid in the corner cubicle. Anyway, still wanting to go to the movies and having seen everything else that's already out, we figure it'd be fun to see a bad movie. Now let me make this absolutely clear, going into THE WASH, I knew that it'd be bad. I've seen the trailers and I've shunned at it like most of the movie-going public. But nothing could have prepared me for the terror that lied ahead.
THE WASH makes BATTLEFIELD EARTH look like a Federico Fellini film and I shit you not! LORD GOD ALMIGHTY WHO RESIDES IN THE HEAVENS ABOVE, IF YOU ARE WATCHING, I, YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT PLEAD THAT YOU CONDEMN DJ POOH TO THE FIRE & BRIMSTONE OF LUCIFER'S PIT FOR INFLICTING SUCH A SATANIC ENDEAVOR ONTO THE HEARTS & MINDS OF MORTAL MEN!
I must be a glutton for punishment because I sat in that theatre for 17 hours and watched Snoop Dogg, Dr Dre, Eminem, George Wallace & DJ Pooh play themselves. UNCONVINCINGLY! Dre Dre, Snoop Dogg and Eminem have made it very public that they are thuggin'. Everythings gangsta! Nobodys a bitch. If shit goes down, the heat's gonna pop up. They're down to scrap, right? So how hard could it be to step in front of a camera and just convincingly be yourself? Obviously it's as hard as finding the Holy Grail for these freshmen high school thespians.
The trailers for the film would have you believe that the plot of this movie is that Dre & Snoop are roommates who work at a car wash where their boss gets kidnapped and it's up to them to rescue him. But low and behold, that is not the case because, where I'm from at least, the plot of a film doesn't take place AN HOUR into the movie. Especially when the running time is 90mins. The actual plot is that Snoop's a lazy, amoral drug dealing asshole who lives with Dre and makes his life miserable. Dre can't pay for his half of the rent or take the boot off his car because Snoop got him fired from his last job and he's broke. So Snoop suggests that Dre go down to The Wash and file for a new management position. Dre gets the job and it begins to cause problems between him and Snoop. Nothing in this film is intentionally funny. I was hoping for something along the lines of F. Gary Gray's excellent FRIDAY. What I got was BLACULA.
The offenses include public access quality film production, atrocious lighting, piss-poor acting and a script that I imagine was written on toilet paper. DJ Pooh's (who wrote, directed, starred & produced this craptacular) idea of comedy involve Dre getting smashed against a bus window by a woman with her own zip code. Dre getting diarrhea from a Soylent Green burrito. A fat guy squeezing out of a small car (done to better effect in SNATCH). A punk kid getting knocked off his ass (once again done better in another movie, FRIDAY. DJ Pooh even goes as far as directly ripping off Chris Tucker's line 'You Got knockedthefuck out!') and Dre dressing up like a cop and harassing Snoop. I laughed a total of two times during this travesty and not a single chuckle was from an intentional gag. I wish this film had a laugh track so I could figure out what was suppose to pass as a joke. Dre is the star and this movie is further proof that a star truly has died before we behold it's light. He's as wooden as a tree and less interesting.
Snoop is equally horrible and his lanky frame gives me the creeps. The man looks like he's 7ft tall and 90 pounds wet. He's suppose to be a tough character but without a weapon he comes off about as threatening as Calista Flockhart. And you know, I find it odd that people are always talking about skinny celebrity chicks but never about the guys. Snoop needs a sandwich too. How come no one's running to this bastard's aid? I tell you what, he loses one more pound and he's going to disappear. Just watch. I guarantee it.
In Bizarro World, Dre & Snoop would be the greatest actors in the history of film and The Wash would be a masterpiece as timeless as the sea. But in reality, this movie is the bane of human existence and from this day forth my formerly directionless life will have a purpose. To take up arms and venture out into the world to inform people of the waking death that is THE WASH. And here is a bit of advice to those brave enough to watch The Wash. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Just call me Cooler-than-Thou, because I am
