Well here comes an 'R' rated review for a 'G' rated Disney family cartoon. Hallenbeck really likes Mulan, but in the course of really liking it he chimes off at other recent Disney animated features, certain individuals here and there. But most of all you need to be warned that it is likely that Hallenbeck will offend you. His opinions are his own. Personally I felt MULAN was a bit in the mediocre realm. Wildly uneven. But... well Hallenbeck was able to ignore the uneven, and focus on the good. I hope the same can be said for you. Me? I dream of a day when Disney doesn't need songs and out of place humor.
Joe Hallenbeck here with yet another witty and insiteful review of a major motion picture that has yet to be released. Before I get that, I must make a correction considering a review I wrote a few days ago. The review was of Very Bad Things. My boo-boo had to do with the Producers of the project. It seems the real money men behind this project was a company called Initial Entertainment Group...NOT INTERSCOPE(although, I believe Scope had some part in it). I apologize for the confusion and pray that I don't screw up like that again(Ten bucks says I do it with the following review).
My review of 6 Days/7 Nights may have been frowned upon by those Mouse Ear wearing freaks over at the Big "D", but they'll be pleased to know that I, The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, enjoyed a movie of theirs. No, it's not Armageddon(although, I must say, Arma gets a major thumbs up from me after veiwing a significant amount of footage of this puppy). The movie I took a gander at is none other than Mulan...a movie that I thought would suck donkey dick. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I liked this movie. True, I was drunk at the time...afterall, I was celebrating my recent screenplay sale(see Harry's review of Mulan). After a more sober viewing of the print I acquired I found that the movie held up pretty damn well(although, I missed the dancing penises and flying Maxi-pads...my God, did I drink!).
I'm going to take a different approach to this review. Let's see if you can follow....
DISNET ANIMATED FILMS (1989 - PRESENT)
LITTLE MERMAID - Kicks major ass! The best overall recent Disney Film(ie music, story, characters). A Masterpiece!
BEAUTY IS A BITCH...I MEAN, AND THE BEAST - Great animation. Fabulous songs. Cool villian. Great leads. So-so supporting characters. Still, it's a masterpiece!
I'm not counting Rescuers Down Under.
ALADDIN - The movie is a masterpice because of the Genie. Without Robin, it's still good, but not great. Cool action and good songs make it great as well.
THE LION KING - the most overrated piece of shit of all time! It's Hamlet in the Jungle, but with no 2nd Act! Great 1st Act...cool 3rd Act, BUT NO FUCKIN 2nd ACT!!! It pisses me off when these damn films are less than 90 minutes. Put a little more effort into them and make a better movie, for Christ Sakes! Kids will sit through a 1:45 minute movie if it's good. WE DID WITH STAR WARS, ASSHOLES and thats a little over 2 hours!!! I'm told part 2 is better than the original. I hope it at least has 3 acts. That's all I want...a storyline. God knows I'm not asking for much.
POCA-FUCKIN'-HONTAS - I attempted suicide watching this POS. I was hospitalized for weeks because of this wretched, PC SHIT BURGER!!!! Fuckin, god damn it, did I hate this horrendous, vile piece of animation!!! Walt must of thawed out a bit when news of this pustial little shit bag reached him. BURN THIS MOTHER FUCKER!!!
THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME - ignore those damn gargoyles and you have one brilliant, kick ass animated film for adults! Sexual frustrations, mutant bell-ringers, muderous men of the cloth...it sounds like Easter Sunday at the Hallenbecks! I loved the psychological aspects of the film. The songs were okay, but the score was fantastic! The only time Menken doesn't win is the one time he truly deserved too! Fuck the fact it was a bastardization of the novel. The movie, as itself, kicks major ass(that is, if you don't acknowlege those fuckin rock monsters!!!). This was also the most beautifully animated film ever! The look of this movie was almost real. Truly incredible animation at work here. Oh, and FROLLO..ONE OF THE GREATEST DAMN VILLIANS EVER!!! HE WAS ONE SICK FUCK!
Hercules - funny at times, but man...did the animation bite. Still, Jimmy Woods as Hades cracks me up. I love that man!
Mulan - I'm going to rate the movie as followed:
Animation - top notch. Some truly breathtaking images. The ATTACK/AVALANCHE Scene is a classic. Man, was this movie a beaut!
The Plot - it's like Disney doing Full Metal Jacket. It's got the Boot Camp, the battles, the devestation...every thing! I wanted to hear the troops singing The Mickey Mouse Club Theme at the end, but that wasn't going to happen. I love the whole homosexual undertones the movie has. Mulan is defintely a borderline lesbo and her fellow soldiers(one voiced by Harvey Fierstein) are definitely a little light in the loafers. Kudos to the Mouse House for making the 1st Gay Animated Musical!!!
The Characters:
Mulan - your typical Disney heroine. Animaniacs said it best when they did that brilliant parody song, "Same Ole' Heroine". She's cool, but she's no Ariel or Belle. The Father/Daughter relationship was good, but cliched. I'm so sick of a lack of a Mother in Disney films! Either they are killed long before the movie takes place, ignored as if they were dead, or they are killed during the course of the film(Dumbo's Mama being the exception).
Mu-Shu - The coolest sidekick this side of Genie and Sabastian. This sucker is going to be flying off the toy shelves. I loved this little Dragon. He was smart, funny, and he served a pupose. He just wasn't there to be cute. He actually had his own little plot and problems to overcome in the movie. That's what I dug about the guy. He was very much like Genie in that respect...he was funny and he had a reason to be there.
The Fucking Cricket - an annoying little sidekick that almost makes Flit and Meeko look cool...almost. I wished to Steven the little bastard was going to get smooshed, but alas..he did not.
The Villian - name escapes me because he's barely in it. He's really cool when he's on screen though. I wish there was more of him.
The rest - servicable, but nothing fantastic.
Score - chalk up a nom for Jerry. His score is truly magnificent. His best in years. It's romantic, epic, and adventurous all at once. Too bad he'll probably lose out to Hans' score to POE.
Songs - why, in Steven's Name, did they even have songs in this movie? The songs in here don't help...they hinder! Just close your ears when you hear the sexist tunes(a couple of songs are really sexist). Shoot the SOB who decided to put songs in this flick.
The ending - Awesome, crowd pleasing, and completely Silver-esque(as in Joel). Great double whammy at the end.
On the Disney scale of Masterpiece(ie Little Mermaid) to Shit Burger(Pocahontas), I would have to say Mulan falls right under Aladdin(#3) and above Hunchback(#5). Keep in mind, this takes into effect everything that is great about Duisney animated films(ie music, Villians, sidekicks, hero, story, and, most importantly, appeal to kids/appeal to adults).
I really dug this flick because I was expecting another piece of shit like that Indian Movie. I'm thankful it was not only better than that, but better than most of the other films they have made of late. I only hope Tarzan is as spectacular as I've been told. We'll see.
You know what's the one thing I loved about writing up this review? I was reviewing a Disney animated film and I constantly used the word "Fuck." It's good to be me!
Send your heartfelt messages and nude animated drawings to:
hallenbeck69@hotmail.com
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
