Ok folks, grab your lye soap and start scrubbing your screens, Hallenbeck has had a flashback to summer 1997, it's as if he were sitting in a theater watching SPEED 2. He's a wild man, frothing at the mouth, ranting and raving like no tomorrow. He will most likely offend every Harrison Ford fan, Religious person, Male, Female, Lesbian, Disney Exec, etc etc etc... The film he's tearing a new rectum in? 6 DAYS 7 NIGHTS. Is it as bad as Hallenbeck says it is? Well you have to take into consideration his opening quote, "Considering the talent involved..." That means he had extreme expectations for the film. He loves Ivan Reitman, Harrison Ford and Anne Heche. Just not in this film. He considers it a waste of extreme talent, and he feels there is no greater sin. I HAVE SEEN 6 DAYS 7 NIGHTS myself. And I find it a kind of middle of the road, Jewel of the Nile kind of film. The name comes from the original name for THE AFRICAN QUEEN, and it was a thought I couldn't shake in the film. I love Harrison Ford, but he ain't Humphrey Bogart. I like Anne Heche, but she ain't Katherine Hepburn. And this film isn't THE AFRICAN QUEEN, and I don't think it should be compared to that. But hey, I'll save this for my review. I kinda liked the film. But then I'm way softer on films than Hallenbeck. And this is hardcore Hallenbeck here. BEWARE!!! If you ever once cringed a drunken spewing blasphemer, stay away, cause here comes Hallenbeck...
Considering the talent involved, I, The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, must admit, as honestly as I can, that 6 Days/7 Nights is one of the most horrendous fucking pieces of shit ever made!!! This is a Made For Cable movie if I've ever seen one. This CRAPFEST almost makes Godzilla look good...almost(Oh, how I pray to the Movie Gods above that Dean, Roland, and those other schmucks over at Tri-Star come down with the worst case of Dysentery the World has ever seen). I could not believe how incredibly bad this film was. It's an embarrassment to all those who are involved. Unfortunately, when this movie tanks, everyone's going to point the finger at the Lesbian. They will blame her for it's inevitable failure when in fact, she is the only half-way decent thing in the movie. After I watched this movie I had to go out and beat the living shit out of some bums hanging out on the corner. I had to vent my frustration some way.
I'm warning you right now. This review will be one of the most vicious, psychotic rants The Mighty One has ever written. It will be filled with death threats, incredibly vile language, and the most venomous use of the English language ever put forth on paper.
You have now been warned by myself and Harry about the content of this review. Back the fuck off if you don't wish to read any further. If you dare do so, then may God have mercy on your soul.....
The Plot - Boy and girl trapped on an island paradise. That's it. That's the whole fuckin movie. Some really lame, dumb ass pirates arrive on the scene for a few minutes and a half ass, pathetically executed romance comes into play. It's the old opposites attract story. This is the worst romantic Adventure movie I've ever laid eyes upon. There is absolutely no chemistry between Indy and the Lesbo. This cliched, one-note, poorly concocted plot is an insult to anyone's intelligence! This was so boring and so predictable. The plot is thinner than Kate Moss!
The Writing - I believe Mandel and Ganz took a pass at this script in the early stages. I now know why they had their names removed from the movie. I wouldn't want to be associated with such a horrendous piece of donky dung! It's as if 100 Chimps with Word Processors were forced to write a script at gun point and this is what the simians came up with. To paraphrase a quote from Peter Boyle in Everyone Loves Raymond, "I could eat a bowl of Alphabits and crap a better script!"
The Directing - Yet another great director that is now dead in my eyes. Ivan Reitman should be put out to pasture after directing 3 God Awful, painful-to-watch, suicide inducing efforts like Junior, Fathers Day, and 6 Days. This man was once great. It seems that Dave was his crowning achievement. After that, what talent rested in his capable hands ceased to exist! I'm a patient man, so I will give Mr. Reitman another shot. After all, he is the man that brought us Stripes, Ghostbusters, and Dave. However, pick your next project very carefully. If you fuck up one more time, I swear I will have to beat you down like a rabid dog with one of those small, Souvenir Baseball Bats one can buy at Dodger Stadium. You got that?
The Actors -
Harrison Ford - An evil imposter took this role of a drunken flyboy. That's the only way I can forgive Mr. Ford for doing this movie. Please tell me it was his clone or his dimwitted twin brother. This man usually picks great roles. Why in Steven's Name did he do this movie? What possessed a brilliant actor/Film God to do such a wretched POS like this? I tell you, if Mr. Ford picks another role like this ever again, I'm afraid I'm going to have to go after him with that bat of mine! BTW, he must do the worst drunk performance in the history of acting.
Anne Heche - First off, I want to say I have nothing against lesbians. I love the gals. The thought of women with women really turns me on. So go ahead, lick some carpet. It's "69" all the way, baby! Now, on to her performance...
"Its the Dyke's fault!" That's what Disney Execs and so-called B.O. experts will be shouting after this miserable piece of dog shit bombs. They'll blame the poor little lesbo. That ain't fair! Like I said before, she's the only decent thing in the movie. She's the only one that gets a few intentional laughs. Don't blame the rug muncher just because she doesn't like dick. The chemistry is bad between the two because the writing and directing is so wretchedly awful. She's doing her best to make the material seem half way respectable. Unfortunately, the material is so bad her talent can't even save it. On a more personal note, I wish her a slow and painful death for she has signed to star in the Psycho Remake. DIE, DYKE, DIE!!!
David Schwimmer - Either play Ross on Friends or put a bullet in your head. That's all I'm asking.
You know what, I can't continue this review any more. I'm just so fuckin pissed about how bad this movie was. That's it. I'm grabbing my baseball bat and heading over to Disney. I'll beat the shit out of anyone who dares cross my path. I must get a hold of that negative and destroy it before anyone else suffers the inhumanity I had to sufffer while watching this drivel.
Where's my Bat? Where's my GOD DAMN BAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joe Hallenbeck
All yous bastards can kiss my ass at
hallenbeck69@hotmail.com
