Hey folks, Harry here.... This movie sounds like crap, but EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS sounds like the best. Can't wait to see that! Matt Lillard as a psychic, if he could really see in the future do you think he'd continue acting? Inquiring minds like mine wanna know.
Hola all. Everyone's favorite Chain-smoking, Dr. Pepper Swilling, indie schilling Christ-o-matic Massawyrm here with a detailed deconstruction of this years horror misstep, 13 Ghosts, the movie that will be on film geeks shit lists for the next few months.
First let me mention the trailers attached, because frankly, they both kicked ass. The first was for Oceans 11. Now this is a film I've been iffy on. You see, I'm not in love with Soderberg like most of my cohorts. I've dug quite a bit of his stuff, but not all of it. This film felt like it could go either way. Star heavy flop or really awesome remake. Well, this trailer convinced me. I HAVE to see this film now. Watching some of these scenes, I got the distinct feeling that this was more "Out of Sight" than any of his other films. And I LOVE "Out of Sight". This looked just magical; a great mix of cool and funny. I can't wait.
Then there was a bad assed Trailer if ever I saw one. It starts off by asking the audience "Do you hate spiders?" Then we see a spider crawling across the floor. Then it asks "Do you really hate spiders?" The we see someone reach into a cupboard as a large spider crawls toward their hand. The it says "Well they don't like you either. The we see a man in a Lazy boy as eight very large spiders legs come out around it on all sides. Cue the soundtrack! Suddenly we see a town under seige by Huge...Fucking...Spiders. Millions of them. Yes kids. Its a giant spiders on the rampage movie, straight out of the 50's. It's beautiful. Glorious. It's cheesy and it knows it. Then comes the title. A man is atop a ladder with a shotgun, surround by a hundred giant spiders and he yells "You Eight legged freaks!" just before he starts unloading into them. As he yells each word it appears on the screen. EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS. What once was Arach-kill is now Eight Legged Freaks. Man it looks cool. I love atomic bug movies and I'm hoping this one pays off like it looks like it will.
So with the trailers over, we move onto "Thirteen Ghosts".
Damn. If I could describe the movie in one word, Damn would be it. Not Damn! with an exclamation point; damn as in fuck, shit, why? You see, 13 Ghosts showed so much promise, it had so much potential, it could have been so cool, that you have to scratch your head and wonder how it got so muddled and left in the shape that it was in when I found it. No, I'm not talking about the potential I saw when I first saw the trailer, I'm talking the potential I saw when my ass was tucked nicely into the theatre seat and things started to get good.
But first, lets begin with the trailer. Now of course there was the two minute trailer that spelled out most of the plot and gave us quite a few of the visuals; not a bad trailer, but didn't really give us much to hope for. But then there was the great TV spot that you can still see, even now, showing on sets across America. The spot that gave me hope. You see, this was no ordinary trailer; I'd seen all the shots they showed in question in the theatrical trailer. No, no, no. This was a GRINDHOUSE trailer. All the shots were run as per usual, and we could hear the soundtrack of the film underneath, but in this there was a voice over. Yes, a voice over that proudly stated "13 Ghosts is rated "R" for Violence, Gore, Nudity and some language. So Be warned." Yes! Now that's music to Massawyrm's ears. If you're gonna sell schlock horror, thrills and chills, then sell it on it's merits. Don't say it'll scare you silly, say it's gonna be the bloodiest titfest this side of From Dusk Till Dawn. When you sell it like that, we know what we're buying. Blood, gore and nudity at bargain basement prices, right? Right?
Well, no. This is where the disappointment begins. You see, while it presents itself as clever horror with blood, gore and the aforementioned titty-rama, it instead tries at every turn to be high concept. Even better. High concept horror rules. And this baby has some great concepts, I mean really great concepts. Even though all the concepts are highly derivative, they still borrow from the best. This film borrows all the way back to Lovecraft; but I'll go into that later when I unleash the spoilers. The problem here is that all the concepts remain just that. Concepts. They are never developed, never fleshed out or even properly presented. We are left to try to put things together that aren't supposed to be a mystery. They just aren't told or even shown. And therein lies this films greatest flaw: it is missing about a half hour of film that would make this a horror masterpiece.
There is very little that is bad in this movie, really (I'll get to what shouldn't have been there in a minute). The framework for a brilliant piece of horror is there, but nobody bothered to fill in the blanks. I felt, as I watched it, as if key scenes had been removed and the movie was spliced back together in the hopes of transforming a slow moving horror film into a fast paced grindhouse classic. Well, without all that is missing from this film, it fails. Miserably.
What makes it so depressing is that this could have been really, really good. The art direction is fantastic. The house looks fucking faboo. Very cool design beautifully constructed and decorated. The ghosts. They look great. Very creepy and well imagined, like they were plucked straight from the imagination of Rob Zombie himself and crafted for the screen by the hands of Marilyn Manson. MTV-esque as it may be, but still pretty freaking cool. The score, very reminiscent of Trent Reznor's "Quake" soundtrack, providing a nice, sonorous, techno tone to the creepy environs. And the cast, while not A-list, is perfect for this type of film. You have your fantastic ACTOR as the maniacal madman (F. Murray Abraham). You have your whacked out, high strung guy-who-knows-too-much-about-whats-going-on (Matthew Lillard). And you have your scream queen (Shannon Elizabeth). And then we have our hero, an odd but in my honest opinion a strong choice (Tony Shalhoub). And every single one of them does the best with what they're given. Yes, Abraham is over the top; but he's over the top in the way Vincent Price always was, perfect for what he's doing.
Unfortunately, the writing is where this movies problems begin and end. The characters are pitiful mockeries of what they should be. Shannon Elizabeth's character's one defining motivation is finding a bathroom to primp herself in. Abraham's character would be so much cooler if they actually gave him a motivation (more on that in the spoilers) rather than just being obsessed. And Shalhoub, well, he's just a family man who loves his wife and kids and wants them out of danger. Sadly, that's his only character trait. Now this is just fine for a horror film, especially one with so many concepts to explain, except that since they never explain the concepts, you need characterization to fill in the gaps. Nope, none. Sorry, the gaps get left wide open.
Now, spoilers ahead folks, can't really go much further without them, so for those still convinced they have to see this, note that I strongly recommend against it. The visuals just aren't strong enough to drive this. And lets just leave it at that. Go out this weekend, rent "The Changeling" (with George C. Scott, one of the best damn haunted house movies ever made) and avoid spending $7.50 on scares you won't get.
Major Spoiler time.
Alright, here's the breakdown. The basic concepts (which again rock) are that Abraham is a wealthy eccentric collecting ghosts for his home which was specially designed to house them. He's enlisted the aid of Lillard, who plays a high strung, demented psychic tortured by his own powers to see and feel the spirit world, who also has no clue what Abraham is doing with them. The film opens with a cool as hell action sequence in which the two, aided by a team of hired thugs in plastic coats and Christmas tree lights , track down the twelfth and most dangerous ghost, known as the Breaker. The breaker then proceeds to slaughter almost everybody, including Abraham. And that's the first 10 minutes of the movie. There's some cool death scenes, and these special glasses everyone wears to see the ghosts and that's about it. Pretty fucking cool.
So then enter Shalhoub, the family man, who we learn through an interesting opening title sequence (a pan around room in his house with a series of voice overs that illustrates his happy family and his wife dying in a fire). Well, now he's poor and living with his son and daughter (Elizabeth), and their nanny. Now let me mention the nanny and be done with it, because I don't ever want to think about her again. She is simply put the worst character in the film. She never serves any purpose to the plot, nor does she add any depth. She merely runs around, scared as hell, making lame attempts at jokes and yelling about all the crazy white people. This is the worst type of token character there is, a horrible mockery of the old 30's style black maid, one step above running around with her eyes bugging out yelling "Oh lawrdy lawrdy, wussa we gonna do now!?!" This stuff makes me sick. If you're going to add a token ethnic character, fine. Do it. Just don't stoop to making them inessential comic relief stereotypes. It's offensive and unforgivable. I'll leave it at that.
So enter the rich and newly deceased uncle's lawyer with keys to a brand new home. A home that now has 12 ghosts running around. But since none of them know that, its all well and good. So they take the house, show up and go in, running into Lillard just outside pretending to be an electrician. Once inside we see that the house is a machine and the mere entry and turning of the key has set the house into motion.
Now the house is cool as hell. It's alot like the maze in the movie "Cube", but with higher dollar effects and this cool foreign writing on the walls preventing the ghosts from passing through them. The entire place is made of glass, although it still manages to be claustrophobic, a nice touch. It was designed from the schematics drawn by a man in the 1500's while under the possession of an insane demon. Okay, yeah, that was pretty much ripped off from Lovecraft with his Necronomicon (written by the mad Arab in the 7th century, presumably while possessed, before he was torn apart in broad daylight by invisible assailants...hmmmm...much like scenes in this film...) but hey, if your going to borrow, why not borrow from the best. I personally dug the Lovecraftian element, plus another notch to Art Direction's credit: the book looked damn cool, every illustration of the spirits needed for the machine beautifully diabolical, both different from each of the ghosts that actually serve as the place holder and yet similar enough that when you see the illustrations you know exactly which ghost they're talking about. Another nice touch.
So the premise is that with 12 ghosts, used to fuel the machine once it gets started, the house becomes an eye into Hell itself, allowing those inside to see the future and the past. Or so the story goes, because when we're told this story, its told along with a bullshit story about a 13th ghost that can stop the machine. Ultimately we have to accept everything else that we're told with the bullshit because nothing about the purpose of the house is ever brought up again after the revelation. A serious oversight on the writers part (all 4 of them).
Now, we have a great set up with some cool concepts. What could possibly go wrong? Well, for starters lets talk about the ghosts, because the movie sure doesn't. There is virtually no development of the ghosts whatsoever. They amount to set pieces. Three, count 'em three ghosts have backstory, and another is mentioned in passing. We have the Breaker, who is discussed briefly in the beginning. Psycho killer who died and continues to slaughter the living. The 4th ghost, who is Shalhoub's deceased wife, who dies in a fire. And then there's my favorite, The Angry Princess. Is she my favorite because she walks around naked the whole time wielding a knife? No. She's my favorite because she is the only properly developed ghost in the film. Through two very cool sequences we learn very subtly that she killed herself (In a tub, knife in hand, and a flash of "I'm Sorry" scrawled in blood on a tile floor), one is a flashback and one is the creepiest sequence in the film when Elizabeth is playing in her new bathroom and we see both the reality that she sees, and the ghost world version where blood is splattered everywhere and the Angry Princess is sitting in the tub, carved up, holding a knife and blood is pouring out of the faucet. Very well done. What's great about the Princess is that although she is threatening (freaking people out when they see her) she never actually attacks anyone, and almost seems to be reaching out, trying to communicate, and only unintentionally scares the shit out of people. I really dug the subtle nuances of her character. Unfortunately, the other ghosts aren't treated so well by the script. Most of them we don't even get a sense of; they merely exist, wander and scare people. A total waste of the concept.
You see, look closely at what drives a good ghost story. When you boil it down, a good ghost story always has a motivated and somewhat defined ghost. In Poltergeist the ghosts are pissed because their burial ground was desecrated. In The Sixth Sense, each ghost has it's own backstory, even if it's just how they died. Even in "House on Haunted Hill" the ghosts at least have that whole lunatic asylum gone mad and riot of blood thing going on. In all of these we understand the ghosts and that's what makes them REALLY scary. Here there's almost none of that. They're just captured ghosts to run a machine. 10 minutes max, that's all this film needed for ghostly development and they would have sold us on them. One minute for each of the remaining spectres and all that bad assed make up and effects would not have been for naught. Alas, no dice. So wandering aimlessly they go.
Then there's Lillard. Now here's the perfect chance to use a great character concept, the psychic tortured by his abilities stuck in a house brimming with the very energy that torments him. Well, his shtick is used to explain how Abraham got the ghosts in the first place, then serves to explain the ghostly realm and then...nothin'. Although he does get some cool flashes, most of the time they miss using him like he could be.
And then there's Abraham. Surprise! He's not dead. Or at least, I'm not sure if he is or not. Here's where the biggest blunder is. If he's dead (he looks just like he did when he is killed, complete with the same outfit, the blood and metal sticking out of him) then why can people see him without the glasses? If he's alive, then why does he still have the make up and same bloody outfit on? The only logical assumption is that he wants to look dead in case anyone sees him...but that's one hell of a leap in logic for us to accept. I mean we already have to believe that clear plastic glasses with lights on them can see ghosts and that Shannon Elizabeth could ever spring from the loins of Shalhoub...but this just goes way too far off the logic meter. It just doesn't make sense either way. And of course this is where the coolest concept could have been fleshed out. The machine requires a 13th ghost, one whose dies out of pure love, yada yad yada. But for a moment we get to think that Abraham is the 13th ghost and that the machine will do something with that, like make him real and immortal or give him some power in the realm of the dead. But sadly no. He's just apparently still alive and wants to see the future.
So then there's the ending, and here's where it gets really sad. You see, they love touting that this is by the makers of House on Haunted Hill. Well, it's got the same ending too. The spirit of one of the dead characters shows up to help save the day. Borrowing from other works is one thing. Cannibalizing yourself is another thing entirely. And the ending, combined with any lack of concept development just happens, without us caring whatsoever.
All told, this movie has an astoundingly low body count once it gets rolling (the beginning is high, but once the first 10 minutes is over, the body count slows to a snails pace). Yes, the few deaths there are include some gloriously cool scenes, but they are too few and far between and involve characters that are entirely one dimensional to really give any good scares. And since it's just driven by undeveloped creepiness between those deaths, it never really sets in a foreboding feeling of dread or danger for the characters that feels right for the film. It just trods along on its concepts hoping the ideas will drive it home. They do not.
So all in all, its not really worth seeing in a theatre (although it might make for some eye candy on DVD, just don't expect anything that the movie keeps promising). Again, rent a classic on video this weekend for your Halloween scares. This one just ain't gonna cut the mustard.
Until next time friends, smoke 'em if ya got 'em. I know I will.
