Harry here, so let me see if I get this straight, this was written by the screenwriter of SCOOBY DOO and the upcoming DAWN OF THE DEAD remake and stars Matt Lillard. Did you ever need any additional info? Well this set of four reviews insured that I will stay home tonight rather than endure this movie for free. Let's give it up for this trio, they took one for the team!
Caught an advanced screening of 13 Ghosts tonight, courtesy of my respective college, so I thought I'd go ahead and confirm everyone's steadfast belief that this film is indeed a floating mass of corn-riddled feces glazed with a warm layer of vomit. And that, my friends, is an understatement.
First, let me outline the ... *ahem* ... plot. The film opens in a junkyard, where Cyrus (F. Murray Abraham, putting even more distance between himself and any decent movie), through the help of the greedy psychic Rafkin (Matthew Lillard ... engaging as usual), has tracked a ghost to this particular locale, and, using a containment chamber and a cadre of soldiers, intends to capture the beast and use it for reasons as yet unknown. Well, Kalina (Army of Darkness' Embeth Davidtz) shows up, with a friend in tow, to proclaim how wrong it is to capture spirits, play God, etc. etc. After Cyrus provides some painfully cheesy dialogue ("You're playing God!" "Playing is for children!"), and soon thereafter, that ornery spirit wrecks havoc, and the entire shebang goes awry. Many soldiers, Kalina's friend, and Cyrus himself suffer the wrath of the spirit, who, despite great casualities, nonetheless manage to contain.
Now we meet Arthur (Tony Shaloub), his daughter Kathy (Shannon Elizabeth), and son Bobby (Matthew Harrison). Though their lives were once full of happiness and joy, a horrible fire robbed them of their possessions, money, and mother, Jean (Kathryn Anderson). Nonetheless, they afford a nanny, the token black character/comic relief, Maggie (Flipmode Squad's Rah Digga). Well, in the midst of Arthur's depression and their pitiful lack of funds, creepy lawyer Ben Moss (JR Bourne, who is somewhere between Hugo Weaving and Guy Pearce ... sans talent, of course) shows up to tell them Cyrus has left his wondrous, state-of-the-art estate to them. That night, they drive out to the isolate countryside where the manor lies in wait.
Well, when they arrive, they find an electrician nosing around ... well, after everyone has had a look around, turns out this electrician is actually Rafkin (Matthew Lillard, remember?), and after he ventures into the basement and finds it full of loaded containment cells (read: ghosts), he quickly tells Arthur and his family to get the hell out. Well, Moss heads downstairs to collect the money, and in doing so, trips off the house's ... umm ... "booby trap," wherein the entire mansion seals off, leaving our hapless heroes trapped inside with the ghosts. One by one, though, the mysterious house is freeing these ghosts - Moss meets an untimely (and moronic) end when a random sheet of glass splits his body in two - we're even given shots of both halves bloodily sliding down the glass.
Well, eventually, Bobby disappears downstairs, and Kathy suffers an attack from one of the more monstrous ghosts - soon, though, out pops Kalina again, brandishing quicksilver flares (what the hell they do, I don't know, but ghosts evidently aren't too fond of 'em), just in time to save the day. She explains that Cyrus constructed the entire house as a machine, designed by Satan himself and powered off the dead. He's capture 12 ghosts within the house that, together, give the machine great strength - Cyrus intended to use the device to open and control the Eye of Hell, just another name for the usual gateway cliche. In order to stop it, a thirteenth ghost is needed ... a pure, broken heart who is willing to sacrifice itself in the name of love, thereby destroying the evil machine. Still in despair, however, Arthur and Rafkin embark back down into the basement, this time wielding a sheet of glass with Latin containment spells scrawled across it, to try again to locate Kathy and Bobby.
Rafkin meets his death at the hands of "The Hammer," and as this happens, we come to find out Cyrus, though dead, is still wandering around his old digs, and commanding Kalina to do his bidding. As it turns out, the machine runs off the dead all right - but the final ghost must sacrifice itself to the machine in order to open the Eye - hence the reason he's brought Arthur and his family to the mansion. Cyrus murders Kalina, calls the 12 ghosts together to power the machine, and places Kathy and Bobby in danger, so that Arthur has no choice. Well, about this time, Maggie reappears, in the core control room no less, messing with the audio board playing tapes of the spells Cyrus needed to properly control the trapped ghosts. When this happens, not only does the machine begin to self-destruct, but the ghosts gain their freedom - naturally, though, not before sending Cyrus to a bloody death ... um, again. Voila.
Yeah.
Well, there's nothing to salvage this piece of crap, if that's what you're thinking. The direction and cinematography are pretty much piss poor - in fact, a lot of it pretty much screams, "HEY! Check out this cool set we made! Isn't it neat?" This movie is NOT "The Haunting" - so don't give me any of that "the house is a character" bullshit.
The ghosts aren't frightening in the least ... hell, half the time you only get to see their upper torso or such for a split - second, thanks to the snappy editing (sarcasm, folks) and the use of strobe lights (?!). They just as easily could have called this film, "4 Ghosts," because the majority of them don't move along the plot whatsoever, except, perhaps, for just being one more neat special effect that can be thrown in. Some of the designs are just plain idiotic, anyway - The Jackal, for instance, has a cage around ... it's head ... and the Torso ... well, Christ, I don't know about you, but a barely-waddling torso would provide more of a beating bag than a supernatural threat, but hey, what do I know, right?
Acting ... well. no one is going to see this movie for the acting. Hell, just the inclusion of Tony Shalhub kept making me wait in anticipation for the 13th Ghost to turn out to be Tim Daly or Crystal Bernard. Oh well. Shannon Elizabeth ... well, there's one definately exploitative shot when she's being attack by the Jackal, wherein there's a nice chest shot of her shirt being ripped ... no nudity, but obviously trying to inject some sexuality into this monster (and mind you, "trying" is the key word). F. Murray Abraham does what he can with a stupid role (again, it's a flatlining villain) ... wasn't that SOB in Megiddo, too? Sheesh. Matthew Lillard never fails at making you want to beat his face in with a hammer like it was an overripe tomato ... however, up until now, I was pretty much convinced he couldn't do a movie without Freddie Prinze Jr. Who knew?
So, all in all, this pathetic waste of time, money, effort, and F. Murray Abraham is a travesty ... not worth your money to even bear witness too, even when it's on video, for Christ's sake. Avoid this mofo like a no return address letter (hey, don't you love the witty and tasteful anthrax jokes?), and if you see Steven Beck on the street, be sure to tell him he deserves to have his larynx torn out. Granted, this film will probably top the box office come Monday, and he'll get another feature to direct ... so you never know. Then again, history has a tendency to repeat itself.
One last note ... if you're bothered by the spinning sound that is almost constantly in the background of this film, don't fret ... yes, it is William Castle spinning in his grave.
If you decide to use this (and by all means), you can
just refer to me as The Burning Man. Peace out! :)
Here's a review that says it is on-par with a bad student film.... ouch...
This is my first time writing to this site, but I just came from a preview screening of Thirteen Ghosts from NET screenings at Emory University. We don't get too many early screenings around here and when this one came around, I figured what the hell. Let me start by saying I knew very little about this movie going in and even less after watching the film.
This film has no structure whatsoever, it starts with F. Murray Abraham trying to capture a ghost called the Juggernaut. Abraham captures the ghost but is decapitated in the process(this is not really a spoiler because it happens about five minutes in. Shortly after Abraham's death, Tony Shalhoub is introduced and he is willed the home of Abraham. Shalhoub and his family(Shannon Elizabeth is his daughter) arrive at the home and quickly find themselevs trapped with quite a few ghosts.
The rest of the story is pretty standard, but makes little to no sense and it uses the ghosts ineffectively, so much so that the audience spent the majority of the film at the ridiculuous situations between the ghosts and humans. Now I should have known how bad this film was from the previews, some of the worst I have ever heard. "What is worse than being trapped in a house with a ghost, being trapped in a house with thirteen ghosts." Sounding remarkably like a line from a movie that spoofs Hollywood marketing.
Onto the cast, it is a shame to see someone like Shalhoub wasted in what is his first opportunity as a leading man. Shalhoub has little to work with throughout the film, doing the best he can with some horrific dialogue. Matthew Lilliard gives a one note performance yet again, but he is really the only entertaining character throughout the film. Shannon Elizabeth is wasted and really had nothing to do with the film, though she does look good in all of her scenes. Abraham is horrible, giving a terrible performance, far worse than his one dimensional teacher in Finding Forrester. No one in the rest of the cast is really worth watching.
There are a few good scenes in the film, but most of the movie is just a waste of time and it feels like they cut out some very important details, but there are a great deal of inconsistencies, on the level of a student film. This may be a good late night drunken usa movie, but not worth wasting your money to see on the big screen.
Declan Finn
Here's a review that thinks this film should be treated like Anthrax... So does that mean you'll need antibiotics after watching it, that you should run screaming in the opposite direction or mail video copies to your enemies? Curious question...
Harry,
I went to the not-so-star-studded premeire of 13 Ghosts last night in Westwood. "This house is not a house" kept being said throughout and this movie is not a movie.
It's a futile, pointless, overly effects-laden waste of time and money. Their money, because luckily I saw it for free.
The advertisements for this movie capture the film's main problem perfectly - "State of the art special effects!"
Harry, have you ever been truly frightened by a computer generated special effect? Me, neither. Nor has anyone I know.
And that's the problem with this big waste of a budget, it's designed as house of horrors where nothing in it is too horrific. Matthew Lillard, partially aside, no one in this film has enough charisma to carry a film.
It's the story of a family - a strange family, primarily because the mother looks 50 years old, the father looks 40 years old, the daughter looks 25 years old and the son looks 8 years old - who end up in a really stupid horror movie. Oh, and they have a stereotypical black nanny that does nothing but deliver lines that would have been more appropriate on "Good Times" or "What's Happening?," though, in her defense, she was the only thing about the movie the cast seemed to enjoy.
I hate to beat a dead horse but this film is flawed on every level. Bad casting, bad characters, very bad direction.
The huge house is supposed to be the hook of the movie but we never even get to see a shot of it by itself or even more than a bit of it from the outside to get any scope or scale. I know the house is supposed to be disorienting but it is not skilled directing that makes the film diorienting, it is very lame directing.
The design of the "twelve ghosts" imprisoned in the house is somewhat impressive but several of them are in quite bad taste and not in a good way. If Clive Barker or Steven King had a living dead young boy with an arrow straight through his forehead, they would have it serve a purpose or make an impact. Here it is just for a throw-away shot or two that makes you feel nothing but icky and ugly. I won't even start with the cut-out beautiful girl.
There is no logic or sense to the film, displayed best in the protaginist's (was he even the protagonist?) finally heroic moment - seconds later, you realize it wasn't even needed for him to do it.
So dumb. Such a waste.
Robert Zemeckis' name is on this film. He should be fucking ashamed of himself.
In the film's defense, the first death of a character once they get to the house is quite nice. If only the rest of the movie was a hundredth as good.
Also, I'd never seen a horror film before where I wanted every single character in the film to die as quickly as possible.
This film should be treated like anthrax. Avoid. If you think you might even be in a theater where it is playing, run away and call the authorities.
sorry about the rant.
Sutton
Well this fella puts it delicately... 'this movie sucked'... ahem, here ya go...
Harry,
Campuses across the country were "treated" to a preview of 13 Ghosts this evening, and Oklahoma State, just over the Red River from you, was one of them. The short, short review: it was free, which was, in my opinion, the best feature of this show.
First off, let me say that the nudity they reference in the trailer is NOT Shannon Elizabeth. There were many instances while waiting in line that I heard murmurs of "nudity" and "Shannon Elizabeth" or "that American Pie girl." It is female nudity, but it's not even appealing. That's saying a lot for a college guy.
On a more substantive note, how should I put this delicately? This movie sucked. This is crappy in a Hannibal kind of way. Silence of the Lambs relied on trickery and thrills to deliver the scares. Hannibal relied on grossness - "dinner" scene at the end, anyone? 13 Ghosts is the same. The thrills are standard and predictable, and the grossness factor is high. One scene in particular with the lawyer springs to mind. I'm not even giving anything away here; he's a lawyer and a jerk. Do we think he bites it? Yes. Grossly.
A short (basically spoiler-free) synopsis for those who couldn't get anything from the trailers - I was one of you. Tony Shalhoub (Antonio Scarpacci frow Wings) is the loving father who inherets the weird house from his weird uncle (F. Murray Abraham). Shannon Elizabeth is Shalhoub's daughter. They go to check out their new boon, and weird ghostiness ensues. I actually found myself thinking that Shannon Elizabeth was a decent actress here, but then she disappeared from the film. Actually, there are a couple disappearances for long periods of time that are never explained. It's just a part of the whole offness of this movie. Several characters are never explained at all, and the exposition of the film is too involved for never having been introduced to any of these characters. It reminds me a little of the beginning of Jurassic Park, where you see that hunter guy trying to feed the raptors, who of course go nuts and kill several guys. In 13 Ghosts, though, instead of seeing a 3-minute introduction with no main characters, you get a 10-minute introduction with several main characters that we know nothing about. In fact, I don't remember ever hearing the name of the pissed-off lady (played by Embeth Davidtz) in this exposition or in her later scenes. IMDb lists the character as Kalina. I'll take their word for it.
Overall, I'd give it a 4 out of 10. I went in with low expectations and wasn't disappointed. There were a few decently scary moments, and the makeup work was, to me, very good. The 12 ghosts (trust me) were very cool looking and very atypical of most onscreen interpretations of ghosts. Still, the plot, pacing, and overall lack of good scares necessitate the low score. Guys, I'd even be hard-pressed to tell you to take your dates to this movie for some cuddle time. Instead of being scared a lot, she's just going to be grossed out. Oh well, there's always Bones, right? Right?
