Hey folks, Harry here... That Crusty Bastard is still running around Vancouver like a guppy on the beach.... flopping about in the throes of drunken pleasurings. He's lost count of the White Russians (not to be confused with the drink) that he's swallowed and gargled, but well... it is no surprise that he brings us news about a Porn Documentary first... mmhmmmmm, how he'll ever be able to face Ms. Meat when he returns with festering fins and all is beyond me. But he's a sailor... what do ya expect? Here ya go....
Ahoy, squirts! 'Tis I, the two dollar coin spending crusty seaman, Quint, here to give you fine folks a peek into this year's Vancouver Film Festival. As you might have gathered from my review of Joyride, I flew up to Canada a few days ago, leaving the Orca docked back in Austin. This being my first time off US soil and out of US waters, I figured it'd be safer to go the official route and not risk those rotten Canadian Mounties hauling my salty ass off to some deep, dark frozen pit somewhere in the black underbelly of the Great White North, eh.
So, it was that I ended up in Vancouver. They didn't even look twice at my lower body. I didn't declare my cool-ass shark attachment, so I was a little worried there for a second, but the customs guy just looked at my license and asked a question I almost didn't know. "You're from Austin, eh? How far is Killeen from Austin?" I, having never been to Killeen, just stood there dumbfounded for a second.
My mind was racing... Killeen... Wasn't that near Waco? How far is Waco? Fuck me, they're going to kick my ass outta here... Then it hit me. A conversation with noneother than James Van Der Beek a few days earlier came back to me (I'll explain a little later, squirts. Keep your eyes open for my and Massawyrm's Adventures In LA, coming very soon). We were talking about Austin and he mentioned they shot almost all of Varsity Blues in Killeen, but stayed in Austin.
So, I looked that steeljawed, Dudley Do-Right looking fool, right square in the eye and said, "Well, I know Varsity Blues shot in Killeen, but the principle cast stayed in Austin, so it must be under a two hour drive." He was defeated and he knew it. He stamped what had to be stamped and waved me through the customs area. Who woulda thunk Dawson would help me get into Canada. It boggles the mind.
At any rate, I was in Canada at the behest of the lovely Miss Laura Harris, who had a film premiering that she wanted me to see. I get some funky colored money and some one and two dollar coins (still trying to wrap my American mind around the concept of 2 dollar coins) and then try to find my ride.
Alas, I found myself alone. I wandered the streets of Vancouver (thank god I brought my jacket) for what seemed like days. After being asked if I wanted weed, heroine or crack (this is the good shit, man. best rock in the town, man. first one's free...) by at least 50 different people, I finally found myself in a state of deja vu. I was standing in an alley that rang so many bells in my head I was literally vibrating. I know I had seen this place before. Then I saw the red dumpster.
Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph... I was in Bastian's alley from Neverending Story. I yipeed like Anakin and did a little dance. I found home for the next few days. I crawled into the big red dumpster, threw some of the broken bottles out into the alley and snuggled up into the corner. What should I find taped to the wall, but a little note from Laura. It read: "Quint, baby. So sorry I couldn't meet up with you at the airport. I knew you'd find your way to this dumpster, that your geek 6th sense would lead you to this hub of film geekiness. Your pass is waiting for you at the Georgia Hotel. See you soon, baby. Love, Lo."
I couldn't be bothered with picking up my pass now, fuck no! I had to charge my batteries. I slept like the dead for god knows how long. I awoke to the roar of a Luck Dragon as it flew down the alley. It could also have been a dump truck, but I jumped out of the dumpster and sped outta the alley before I saw what made that damned howl... or more importantly, before it saw me.
I got my pass with no problems. I got eyeballed a little because of my smell and the fact that my entire lower body is a fish, but everybody was nice as can be. I was late and there was only one more series of film before the night was over. I decided to catch my first film of the festival, a documentary called Bad Girl.
Will it surprise you to know that this film, my introduction to the festival, was a documentary about porn? Now this genre of porno documentaries is usually crap. Annabelle Chong Story, WADD and countless others had intriguing premises, but were sloppily made and always focused either too much or too little on the XXX footage. Bad Girl, like those mentioned before, focuses on a very interesting premise, that of female directors in the porn industry and their struggle to not only break into the male dominated industry, but also their attempt to make porn that appeals to both men and women within this industry.
Good focus for a doc. That's one base covered. It was my surprise to see that this doc was also well made. Sure, it was fairly graphic and had lots of scenes or clips of various porn flick staples, like money shots, BJs, anal, double penetration, fingering, etc. But these were used not as a crutch by the filmmakers, but as a way to propel the doc onward or to give an example of something brought up by one of the interviewees.
It is a showcase of female directed porn from all over the world. It shows us, the viewer, the differences as well as the similarities between female directed porn and male directed porn. The doc is filled with interviews with these female directors, adult film stars and even a few adult film fans.
It's not the best documentary I've ever seen (that award goes to Paradise Lost... It still gives me chills), but it is the best documentary I've seen on the topic of porn. Granted, I haven't seen all the porno documentaries in the world, but of those that I have seen, this one is the best. I doubt it'll get a large release (if any) due to the roughly 5 minutes of hardcore footage shown throughout he film, but for you film fest goers out there, if you see this flick in your schedule book, put a little star next to it and check it out. Of course do so only if you don't get sick to your stomach seeing some dude shoot his DNA into some chick's mouth.
I saw Bad Girl with a real cute girl named Michelle (my belle) and she loved the film, so ladies (yeah! ladies. yeah! wanna role in my Mercedes? yeah!)... sorry... where was I? Oh yeah, not only guys will dig this doc. Matter of fact, there were quite a few ladies at the screening that seemed to enjoy the film. So, if a bit of graphic porn isn't a thing for you, check this one out if you can.
The nice and cute Michelle (my belle) graciously offered to drive me back to my dumpster. She dropped me off, I thanked her kindly and was about to crawl into my big red beauty when I discovered a bum had taken refuge in my new house! He was on this very laptop, jerking off to Christopher Walken dancing around in Spike Jonze's amazing Weapon of Choice video. Can't say I blame him... that video is one of the coolest things on earth... but he was in my house, goddamnit!!!! I kicked that sonuvabitch the hell outta my house but good. After I cleaned up my pad, I found another note from Laura. Basically it was a reminder not to miss her movie the next night. I curled up into a ball and fell asleep to Fatboy Slim's crazy beats.
I awoke the next morning to a pleasant sound. It wasn't the startling roar of Falkor or a dump truck... But a sweet cooing. I poke my head out of the red dumpster that was my home and what should lay before my eyes but the gorgeous Ms. Laura Harris herself. She had taken it upon herself to make sure I get to her movie... and in a fairly clean form. We dropped by Tygh Runyan's place, which was just around the corner from my home and got me showered up. Tygh is the star of Laura's flick and a really cool guy to boot.
His place was littered with 8 and Super 8mm cameras, Star Wars toys, CDs, DVDs and even the sweet new Steve Buscemi Reservoir Dogs toy. Like I said, cool guy. After I got out of the shower (which was a blessing. My shark was a bit dried out and unhappy), I slapped on some Old Spice and done got all purtied up. When I exited the bathroom I found myself in the presence of not only Laura and Tygh, but Fay, Laura's beautiful red haired English friend and Jeff Macpherson, the director of Come Together.
Now I was a little nervous. As we were headed to the Hollywood Theater, I kept thinking to myself, "Please don't be a shitty movie. Please, God... I don't want to have to face these nice people and tell them their flick is shit. Please... please... Pretty please?" The show was sold out and it was a madhouse getting in. I was introduced to a number of people who worked on the film... actors, assistants, producers. All nice people.
So, the lights went down and the screen came to life... with a short film called Adrian's Hole. It's about an observer, a guy who never leaves his apartment, but always has his eye on the outside. He has a telescope set up so he can view the people out in the park next to his apartment complex. One day his life is interrupted as he returns from the washroom to find a note from his landlord. Apparently, there was a problem getting to a water pipe, so they had to go through his floor.
There's a decent sized hole in his living room. That hole grows bigger and bigger as the short goes on, but is it really doing so, or is it just in Adrian's mind? Adrian's Hole is a really funny short and totally set the mood for the upcoming film. It got me relaxed and ready to accept the upcoming flick as what it is, no more, no less.
Come Together starts off with the logo for Rocket Chicken International, the production company. It's a great little 3-D animated sequence that rules the earth! It got the audience into stitches. Imagine a Hitler or Stalin-esque speech going on in the background as we pan around a large statue with it's arm jutted out Nazi style... but it's a chicken. I don't know why it works, but goddamnit it does.
Here's a little plot rundown for you. The film is about a young, early 20s, guy (Tygh Runyan) who had the girl of his dreams (Laura Harris, of course), but lost her due to lack of commitment. Now she's getting married and he has to go down to either win her back or get the whole thing behind him so he can move on with his life. While in town for the wedding, he meets a high school girl (Eryn Collins) who plays a crucial role in helping Tygh with the final step he takes in the film.
Let me start by saying the film isn't perfect. I think the pacing's off a tad at the very beginning (post credits) and there are a few shots throughout that are held a bit too long, I think. Some of the shots are achingly DV, but those are few and far between.
You have the not so good. Let me tell you about the good. First and foremost, the performances. I love Laura to death, but Eryn Collins and Tygh Runyan steal the show. There's not one bad performance in this film, which is, to be honest, shocking. I've seen a fair amount of festival movies and indie films and let me tell you... good acting is usually in short supply.
The basic story is a bit overused, but the script is well written and throws a few curves in there so you never feel like you've seen this same movie before. The cinematography is handled very well, to the point where there are some moments you forget you're watching a digital movie. There are those few scenes that look very digital, but overall the film isn't distractingly digital. Actually, there are a few shots that took me by surprise, like where one character would be in focus in the foreground and the other be out of focus in the background. One usually doesn't find those shots in DV films.
I can't talk about this film without bringing up the amazing opening credits job. It's odd... it almost has an anime feel, but is also reminiscent of the great Saul Bass work of years past. That's another area that most indie filmmakers usually throw by the weighside... can't say I blame them 'cause Hollywood has been doing it recently, too. A good opening credits sequence can be that crucial hook you need, especially if your film has a slow or rocky start. Props go to Bienvenido Cruz for starting the film off on the right foot.
Well, there squirts... 'Tis the very tired, but still crusty ol' seaman, Quint, curling up in my new marvelous home, the big red dumpster, huddled out of the drizzle and that blasted Canadian wind chill. I'll be back again soon, mates, with some cool ass shit, including my picks of the Vancouver International Film Festival, and some other goodies. 'Til that day, squirts, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.
-Quint
