Hey folks, Harry here with our trusty seaman and his lastest squib of opinions, this time on ZOOLANDER and that HEARTS OF ATLANTIS flicks. Due to my wonderful incapacity I get to lay here, while he takes my pass and goes and sees movies and tells me about it. Joy. I'm so happy. So pleased. So envious. Actually it isn't too bad, there hasn't been much besides MEGIDDO that I have been hot to see. Here ya go....
Ahoy there, squirts. 'Tis I, world renowned and crusty seaman, Quint, here to give you guys a little heads up on two of the big flicks coming up in the very near future.
I'm going to start off by saying I'm huge, huge, huge Stephen King fan. I've read every novel he's produced, including the Bachman books, read all the short stories of his that I could get my salty paws on and seen just about every Stephen King film or TV adaptation. So, you wouldn't believe how stoked I was when I found out that they were making Hearts In Atlantis.
Hearts In Atlantis is not my favorite of the recent King books (that would go to The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon), but the first story in the novel was an amazing read. How happy I was when Anthony Hopkins signed on to play that mysterious upstairs tenant who packs his things in paper sacks when he travels. I was also ecstatic to learn that David Morse was involved in some way, shape or form. All that, not to mention the fact that William Goldman was the screenwriter.
Who would have thunk that all that talent would produce a disappointing movie? I'm not going to go so far to say the movie sucked. It didn't. The performances were great, especially young Anton Yelchin who plays Bobby Garfield. He is the find of the film. Hopkins, for the most part, isn't as intriguing to watch. Don't get me wrong. His performance was far from being sub par, but I was hoping for a sense of wonder or magic with the character and I didn't get it. I'm also not going to say the movie was badly shot. The cinematography was beautiful. The framing was fine.
What's wrong with the movie is it never ultimately clicks. There's never a moment that you're sucked into the story and become almost personally involved in the goings on. I don't want to pin this on Goldman's writing, but the script honestly came across as being about 2 drafts short of perfection.
That's what's so aggravating about this film. As Maxwell Smart would say, they missed it by THAT much. I mean, they had the talent, both in front of and behind the camera, they had the material and they just couldn't figure out how to make it gel.
Sure, being an avid King fan, that goes double for the Dark Tower series, I was a little disappointed that they took out the references to the Dark Tower. I figured they do so, but their explanation of who's after Hopkins sticks out painfully like a pricked and sore thumb. I've read that King himself likes the fact that they changed the Low Men into the CIA, but it just didn't work for me. I would have much preferred they just kept it a mystery and we never figure out who's after Ted. Let the people have something to talk about after the movie. See what they can come up with.
I know people have raved about the movie and I'm glad that they liked it. Hell, I would love nothing more than to be head over heels in love with this film, but I just didn't connect with the picture. Is that the film's fault or my own? I'll let you decide.
Next up is Zoolander. I saw this tonight with my girlfriend, Auntie Meat, and the Indie Indie guy Massawyrm. I adore Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson and Will Ferrell, so again I was super psyched to see this film even though I had really no inkling of what it was about. I saw a trailer for it, saw it was something about male supermodels and noticed that Will Ferrel's hair was all kinds of fucked up.
To paraphrase Plan 9, this movie's stupid... stupid... STUPID! But goddamn if it didn't make me laugh. I was astounded. There was absolutely no substance in this film, but it still cracked me up. It is a very unintelligent comedy, but it was intelligently made. What I mean is there were only a few great comedic actors that could have made this movie work and they got them.
The gist of the movie is it's about a brain-dead male superstar supermodel named Zoolander who is tapped to be brainwashed by some mysterious fashion designer hot shots to assassinate the Prime Minister of Malaysia because he's about to abolish child labor in his country thus putting these baddies out of business. Zoolander not only has to deal with this, but he also has to deal with his 5 year long career slowing down and the appearance of the next hot male supermodel, played with amazing charisma and timing by Owen Wilson. Got the picture?
Will Ferrell and Owen Wilson steal this film. I cracked up just about each time they came on-screen. Ben Stiller's Zoolander character hits and misses, especially in the first half of the film. There are some great hits, though. The Andy Dick cameo scene (a great dick joke scene by the way... dick joke... Andy Dick... Coincidence? I think not!) comes to mind.
Now, there's a point about halfway into the film where I stopped wanting the movie to be anything but a mindless comedy. I don't know if it was me giving myself up to the picture and letting it take me wherever it wanted it or if the movie just started hitting a lot more and missing a lot less, but there's a big scene, a showdown scene, in the middle of the movie that makes the movie click into place. The flick hit its stride with this scene. You'll know it when you see it... if you see it.
This flick is also filled with an insane amount of celebrity cameos. Some in small roles, some in bigger roles. If nothing else, this movie is a fun one to play Spot the Celebrity with. There are 2 cameos in the movie I want to note. One is Vince Vaughn's cameo. It's beautiful. He doesn't say one word, but is in a few scenes. It cracked me up. I mean, Vaughn usually plays the loudmouth who couldn't shut up to save his life. Great subtle cameo there. Also of note is Billy Zane's cameo. I won't go into any detail, but just look out for it. It's impossible to miss.
Also of note, Ben Stiller is a master comedian so he knows the first two golden rules of making a scene funny and he implements them in this film. Rule #1: The presence of a monkey. Rule #2: The presence of a midget or group of midgets. I've always said that if you have a midget or a monkey in your movie, it's automatically a 2 star film. They work that well. I know I'll probably get some shit for it down below, but that's just because they know it to be true, but don't want to acknowledge it.
At any rate, if you have an hesitation whatsoever in seeing a movie driven by dick and fart jokes, then avoid this movie like the plague. The movie isn't really about dick and fart jokes, but it's in that same mindless fun vain. If you happen to like your movies like that, then by all means go check this sucka out.
Well, squirts, I have to run. There's big game out there just waiting for me to catch 'em... and kill 'em... and bring them before your eyes. Keep yer periscopes aimed at the horizon, squirts, fer I got some coolness coming to ya' very soon. 'Til that day, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.
-Quint
