Harry's Adventures in the Land of Schmooze: Chapter One
10-03-1997 0525 cst (cool standard time)
Ok folks. Why is there no update today? Well because you are reading it. That's right. This review and field study of the FOURTH ANNUAL AUSTIN FILM FEST and HEART OF FILM SCREENWRITERS CONFERENCE is the reading you'll do for the day. Now why on earth should you give a rat's hinnie (unsure of the correct spelling of "hinnie" meaning ass)? Well, because I'm gonna be your trailblazer, your guide, your illiterate fat redheaded geek that will take you through the schmoozing, viewing and free food and then safely deposit you back at your seat at the end of the journey. That's my job, or at least I think that's my job, I don't know I make this up as I go along.
Today started with an early phone call to Geek #2, Glen (aka Coaxial dude), to see about having him help dad limp around town today. Me, well I was destined for the buses today. Glen can't help, the car surgeons were planning on open hood surgery today. Then I have to get ahold of my sister at school, because the dude she has had a crush on since before she could walk, was going to be on stage for his film tonight, and Dannie (my sister) would have to be there. Once that is settled it was time to grab my bag of credentials, invitations, and extraneous junk and hop a bus to downtown Austin and the fabulous DRISKILL HOTEL, where the screenwriters' conference is taking place.
The bus ride. Was completely uneventful. No babes, cool looking lowlifes (besides me) or violent incidents. Man, that ain't fair!!! Everybody is just staring at the floor again. What a waste of eye time. Finally the bus gets to 6th and Congress where I depart. Now a full block before I get to the theater, one of my fabulous harem of babes...Taline, waves me down. The street was too crowded for any "hanky panky" so we duck into the nearest Hotel, which just so happened to be the DRISKILL. Approximately 30 seconds after entering the place...
I'm attacked by cool people. Industry people. People that are talking about their production companies, the deals in the works, how long they've read my page, etc etc etc. The whole time we are standing there, all these other people begin coming up asking me, "What's it like to be a living legend at 25?" & "Do you think it's safe for you to be here?"
My answers went something along the lines of:
Q#1: Weird as hell.
Q#2: I'm wearing Kevlar and I'm Harry's robot double, the real Harry never leaves his bedroom, where he is bedridden.
This one cool guy (who will go nameless for all types of reasons) comes up and begins talking scripts to me. He's gonna get me EVERYTHING that I don't have. We begin talking about the art of the deal, the MPAA and how to shaft them. He looks every bit the part of a Hollywood type. The pressed shirt with the starched straight collar. Cellular phone, the over 6 foot build of a lean hungry deal making machine. He was a pretty damn cool guy, and a damn good connection for future news for all of you great people (not to mention me)
I should also mention the beautiful and stunning Felicia bounded over with a fantastic hug and smile. Felicia is the sex goddess of the Film Festival whom the truly cool worship and pay homage. A radiant beam of sunshine without whom the days are clounded beneath stormclouds of depression. She had a great outfit, that was so pretty on her. Yeah yeah, she wants me, I know it, I'm just playing hard to get as usual. It's a game we powerful Geeks play. Yup. That's all it is.
Then the lunch buffet opens up, and man, if you've never seen a massive Hollywood Industry type feeding frenzy, then you haven't lived. We were all waiting to spring upon the food, these hungry writers weren't about to let a free meal go by, and dammit I agreed with them. The Brie was pretty damn good, the wine was a little dry. The Roast beef was great as were the whole wheat poppy seed rolls I popped like happy pills. Then there was the fruit, cheese (which I pounded pretty heavy, probably the reason I won't sit on a toilet for a week) etc. Tobe Hooper popped by me to grab some food, as did Buck Henry. By the way if you ain't familiar with the names go to www.imdb.com and look em up. Great resource for name dropping bastards like me.
After eating I decided that I would hide from the ensuing hordes of cool people. To sit down for a bit. But nooooooooooooooooooooooooo, no rest for Harry. I'm tooooooooooooooo powerful to leave in a corner you see. I'm MR. KNOWLES, THAT COOL GUY, THE INTERNET DUDE, HARRY RIGHT?, YOUR THE MAN, and A LIVING LEGEND. God, you would not believe how convincing this all is. Easy to see yourself slipping into the trap of self-worship. Not to say I ain't a god, but I ain't a god, at least in my mind yet. I'm stunned at the name tags talking to me.
For example:
I'm getting water at one point, minding my own affairs. I had just deftly swam past 3 sharks with deals hungry in their eyes, and reached the water pitchers. I fill my glass and turn around to see...
A dude in a hawaiin shirt. He's got horn rimmed black glasses and John Phillip Law's hairdo from DANGER DIABOLIK (Ok, I know that went way over your heads most likely so track it down and rent it)
He says, "Hi my name is aldkfjlaskjf (I didn't hear it) and I work at Warner Animation, and just wanted to say what big fans we are of your work."
"Cool, thanks alot, what do you do at Warners?," I say with complete ignorance stamped upon my forehead. I don't want to be obvious and look at his name tag as that would be umm crass in my eyes.
"Oh, I handle alot of stuff on the Batman and Superman series," he says.
"Cooooooooool, I went out to San Diego, the year that Batman was just getting going for you guys. It was great. I got to talk with Paul Dini, Bruce Timm and Kevin Altieri (misspelled)," I say with my best name dropping in that sector of the biz.
"Yeah I remember." he says.
At this point I look at his badge to realize this guy I've been chatting with is Paul Dini, the coolest damn story writer in the history of the animated superhero. A god in my pantheon of cool people. In fact I have often advocated that Warners should just give him and Bruce Timm the keys to the kingdom and turn them loose. Let them handle Batman, Superman and the rest of DC properties. They know what they are doing.
Man did I make a total ass of myself or what? Sheesh. Well dammit I ain't about to roll over and die. I'm Head Geek and can talk comics and superheroes the crows come home to roost. For the next two hours we stand around the water pitchers talking superheroes, what's wrong with the studios take and what we each want to see. We then both agree that the two best superhero films of all time are: Raiders of the Lost Ark and Robocop. We begin talking about Ace the Bat Hound, Bat Myte, etc. How a live action Superman vs Bizarro film would rock. You know, just your basic comics lovers' dreams. I would kill to just sit down in a room with this guy for the whole damn weekend and geek about all types of coolness.
I mean the best Batman film was written by him (BATMAN MASK OF THE PHANTASM) and then there's all the great series work. Why on earth this man and Timm aren't running things is not logical in my mind at all.
Then a band starts playing that Western Swing style music. You know like Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys. Well, next thing I know Paul and mine's conversation is going the direction of Bob Wills (whom he is a huge fan of) to ranches (both his experiences on one and mine) to adventures we have lived across the continents. He just got back from an excusion to find and observe KOMODO DRAGONS. Is this guy the shit or what? I mean anyone that would rent a schooner and sail the earth in search of KOMODO DRAGONS is you know... basically a whole lot more noble than Kane from Kung Fu. I mean, he ain't looking for a brother. But big damn cool as hell lizards.
So then I tell him my experience in the rainforests of the Yucatan and Palenque. And the domesticated Havelina Boar that woke me on the floor of a grass hut by licking my face, the swimming with bloated alligators, the climbings of jungle covered mountains. Basically the Indiana Jones side of Harry. Then I ask my friend ERIC the time, and realize I have to be at a party. So Dini and I make our peace and head in opposite directions, where I am instantly attacked by film makers.
These two guys directed two of my faves of the festival. Colin Fitz (which I picked as second) and 35 Miles From Normal. Turns out that these two have been making the circuit with each other, and have been finishing neck and neck. I honestly like both films, but one had to be eliminated, so I handled it the only way I could... which one did I want to see next? And it was Colin Fitz. The director of that film, wants to shoot me in 8mm as part of a mockumentary about Colin Fitz (see the movie) and I will definately do it. Anything for a film maker.
Then I escape down the fire escape. Soon as I hit the street though, I'm attacked by people wanting to shake my hand. Very frightening. Then I get to the party at the Paramount Theater, where I have come to eat again. Yes, food. Foooooood. Frrrreeeeeeeeeee Fooooooood. Words to live by. This time they had pasta with marinara and fresh grilled veggies. Pasta with alfredo sauce and veggies. More cheese. Yummmm cheese. Then they had giant pieces of dead meat cooked to perfection. I have them carve it up for me.
The entire time I'm stuffing my face, people are coming up to me. Testing me. Seeing if I'm as much a film geek as they have heard. Talking, moving mouths, pressed hand flesh, cards in my pocket while I'm eating a roast beef bisquit. I have no idea who I'm meeting. I'm just meeting. They all know me. As I walk amongst this crowd of insiders, I see them pointing at me, saying under their breath to their companions or co-conversationalists.... "That's him... that's Harry Knowles... I hear that...." My god. This was unreal.
Then as I'm trying to get to a seat. I haven't sat in over 6 hours at this point. My feet are killing me. I can't get a seat, so I decide to cross the great hallway, a narrow channel filled by the bodies of industry people... talking, chating, making deals in a 360 degree orgy of schmooze. Reminds me of the Hell scene in Dante's Divine Comedy. To highlight that comedy, as I begin to traverse the dangerous pathway, I see Harry Anderson, you know that guy who loves Mel Torme, standing at the other end. He looks at me. Judges my width, and the size of the cavern we must share, and... He steps aside to allow the human boulder to pass. He's seen that episode of the SIMPSONS where HOMER rolls down the stairs after Bart. As I pass him I say, "Coming through Wide Load" to which he begins laughing. Cool, I made Harry Anderson laugh. Cool, that's a penance to the smiles he's given me over the years.
One girl. Gorgeous is talking to this hideous man about how she is going to have 2mm of her nose removed next week. The hideous man says, "That's great, you've been needing to do that for soooooo long, I'm sure you'll find plenty of work afterwards." Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! Help, I see souls transferred in hand shakes. It's all pretty damn.... COOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!! I mean this is Hollywood. This is what it is to schmooze with big wigs. There is an electricity through the party, then the House Lights blink twice, signaling the start of films. So it's off to my seat.
Down the stairs, people shake my hand, down the aisle to my seat, people shake my hand. Then Felicia gives me a hug. Ahhhhh, energy renewed by the energizer bunny. Then I see my dad and a person who resembles my..... si...sis....sister. Wow, my sister was here. Coool. I only see her when the sun is gone. Wait a minute. The sun is gone. Ok, she's consistent. As I take my seat Dannie looks at me and excitedly says, "ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS MOVE AND I'LL EXECUTE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!!!"
Ok, I know what you are thinking. My sis is a loon. Stark raving insane. A person with a questionable grasp of reality. Well, while you are right, she also knows that Amanda (honeybunny)Plummer is about to be on screen and stage. You see we were about to see:
AMERICAN PERFEKT.
Why did I choose to see this film instead of the higher profile HOUSE OF YES? Well, first to see Amanda Plummer, and secondly because I would be getting a glimpse of JACKIE BROWN in the performance of ROBERT FORSTER. The big question mark in Tarantino's film. I had no visual reference for the man, no clue as to the timbre of his voice. I have a zero impression of Robert Forster. In fact in the schedule his name isn't even mentioned as being in the film, and he is the lead character. Well, how was the film?
I liked it. In fact it's something well worth seeing. It's the first film in a long time that I wasn't repulsed by the anti-christ of actors, DAVID THEWLIS, whose mere name sends flashbacks of the horrid DRAGONHEART and ISLAND OF DR MOREAU through my geek brain. He was very good in this film.
What is it about? Ummmm, well let's just classify it as being in the genre of quirky horror suspense. It stars Robert Forster, Amanda Plummer, Fairuza Balk, David Thewlis, Paul Sorvino and that red headed waitress from that TV show I can't think of.
The film is definately about twists and turns, and about being as predictable as a flip of a coin. But damned if I'll spoil who the protagonist and antagonists are, or even who the story is about, or maybe that's redundant. I'm pretty ignorant about these lines. Suffice to say it is the best thing this group of actors have done in quite awhile. The weakest link is Paul Sorvino, who does an adequate job, but he is capable of so much more. Warning though.... There is GORE in this film. Not tons of visceral bloodletting, but enough to cause a little jump now and then. Prepare to have a fun ride, if you get a chance to see this one. And I was satisfied.
After the screening, the director Paul Chart and Amanda Plummer took the stage for a Q & A session. What is the first question at 90% of all Q & A's for film?
"How much did this film cost to make?"
Is this really an interesting question? I don't think so, how about this question from an audience member, "Did the police car change from a Ford Tauris to a Chevy at one point in the film?" Arghhhhhhhhh!!!!! Jesus!!! People, get a grip man. Ask the guy how he got his script in the hands of all these great actors, how he convinced them to take scale, how he got those terrific coin shots, or what the significance of an Arizona Heroin Addict Slut was?
I mean, think a bit. Ask good questions. Personally I know alot of these answers, but damn, I'd love for these people to ask better questions. Of course you could always argue, "Well you fat ass, why didn't you ask the questions?" Well, because frankly if I begin asking questions it turns into a interview. One answer will lead me to another question,and the next thing I know, I'm talking more that the people on stage are, and I want to watch and listen to them, not me. That's why.
Amanda Plummer is very much the awkward beauty that you see in her films. The tones of her voice leaping the scale of human hearing. Wrestling to fit answers to questions, looking like she has a thousand thoughts and is trying to edit it down to a oh so brief answer. The Q & A was fun, but not very informative.
HIJACKING HOLLYWOOD
Then it was time to clear the theater for the next showing. The showing my sister was dying to see. For it stars a guy, that we all know, but she has a mega-lifelong crush on... Henry Thomas. That's right, the boy who made us fall in love with latex puppet, which because of his love and caring became a living and breathing screen legend. E.T. ELLIOT. This was the first film my sister ever saw. She loved it from day one. She has a shrine to E.T. in her room. And she wears an E.T. belt, and carries an E.T. wallet. She cries when she sees the film, and she loves that boy that loved E.T.
Now like most of us, we haven't really been following Henry Thomas' career that closely. He's been in some cool projects, but hasn't had that "breakthrough" that propels him past Ethan Hawke, Brad Pitt or the other "that age" stars. Why? I don't know. He is charismatic as hell. An audience fave on screen. But I believe he will break out again in a big way. I wish him the best. He would make an excellent Peter Parker in my opinion. He's got that awkward gosh gee whiz put upon thing down, I can see him with Aunt May, while wanting to party and be popular. I can hear him as Spidey. He could do it, if only a certain person would take notice. Helllooooooooooo?
Any way. The film is hilarious. A real joy of fans of movie making. A funny as hell look on a P.A. (production assistant) a true "sh*t-job" of the industry. The slave of a producer. Only this P.A. will make it, he's got the dream and the lack of scruples and the right roommate to turn a bigshot into their sponsor.
This movie has a couple of different films that get shot in it. The first is the film that Henry Thomas is a P.A. on... MOBY DICK 2. What a great idea!!!! I knew Ahab wasn't down for the count.
Then there is the film that Henry Thomas has written called THREE DAYS IN A SALT MINE. Hey with that title, the sky is the limit!!
The producer that he works under is played by KIDS IN THE HALL REGULAR-- Scott Thompson, who was absolutely hilarious. This film was written in a week, and shot in 13 days. Pretty kick ass huh? It's funnier than 90% of the "comedies" that come out of Hollywood, and is a joy for film insiders and fans of the biz. This film should be hitting BlockBusters pretty soon, so take a look and give it a chance. It's a fun film. And definately worth your time.
After the movie, HENRY THOMAS, SCOTT THOMPSON and NEAL MANDT came out for a Q & A. I have to say these three did the best Q & A I've seen in a long time. Not because of how "informative" they were, but because of how fucking funny they were. These three constantly had me laughing at their dead on hilarious answers to annoying questions.
"OBVIOUSLY YOU WERE INFLUENCED BY THE FILMS OF PEDRO ALMODVAR?"
As this question was asked, the audience began laughing, it was a totally absurd question. The director wasn't even familiar with who she was talking about, and then Scott Thompson reinterpreted the question as, "SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU WERE INFLUENCED BY A PROMINENT SPANISH QUEER DIRECTOR?" Howls of laughter. Henry Thomas often was doubled up with laughter.
Oh by the way, my sister was trembling. Actually physically trembling at the site of him. I have to admit in a non-homophobic statement that Henry Thomas did look damn good on stage. And my sister was twitching like Bogart in Caine Mutiny. It was pathetic.
Henry had just got back from Australia where he shot the miniseries for MOBY DICK with Patric Stewart. Pretty cool. I wonder if he is ISMAEL, he'd make a good one. Then after Scott had finished making the audience laugh about his affair with Marilyn Manson, they closed it off. Henry and Scott and the director all sort of sat on the stage to mingle, sign autographs, etc. Henry signed my E.T. cd as you can see beside the text here. And was very cool about it. I was kinda worried about it, because I just had this feeling that he would be sick of signing E.T. stuff, but he was every bit the professional, and was cool about it. Thanks Henry.
Meanwhile, my sister, the WUSS, the COWARD, the CHICKENSH*T that she is couldn't get within 20 feet of him. She wouldn't go over with me to talk with him, and she was petrified and mortified that I went over to talk with him. She was scared I would bring him over to meet her. But Henry didn't know me from Adam, thank God, and treated me like the geek that I am.
Well I have to go. Tomorrow I have to make the choice of Gattaca, U-TURN and Midnight Express with Oliver Stone, The Graduate with Buck Henry and Kid Blue with Dennis Hopper and Bud Shrake, and finally a "special preview" of a fairly big film I can't mention. What to do what to do. You'll find out tomorrow, same cool site, some late uncool time.
BTW... I am going to not sleep for about 88 straight hours, so prepare for gibberish in the coming days (Ha! as if you don't regularly expect gibberish from me.)
