Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
There's nothing creepier than when MILK goes bad.
Seems our boy MILK is out there in the field, and people keep putting these secret things in his hands, and he just can't help himself. He sends them to us. Take, for example, the opening page to the new Steven Soderbergh script, HOW TO SURVIVE A HOTEL ROOM FIRE. This is the semi-sequel to SEX, LIES & VIDEOTAPE that will be his next project. Seems there are a few rules the cast is going to have to follow. I'll let MILK explain...
I haven't yet seen any reviews of HOW TO SURVIVE A HOTEL ROOM ON FIRE, Soderbergh's next project, but here's an interesting little preface that's included in the script - It reads as follows:
IMPORTANT
If you are considering a role in this film, please note the following:
1. All sets are practical locations.
2. You will drive yourself to the set. If you are unable to drive yourself to the set, a driver will pick you up, but you will probably become the subject of ridicule. Either way, you must arrive alone.
3. There will be no craft service, so you should arrive on set "having had". Meals will vary in quality.
4. You will pick, provide and maintain your own wardrobe.
5. You will create and maintain your own hair and make-up.
6. There will be no trailers. The company will attempt to provide holding areas near a given location, but don't count on it. If you need to be alone a lot, you're pretty much screwed.
7. Improvisation will be encouraged.
8. You will be interviewed about your character. This may end up in the finished film.
9. You will be interviewed about other characters. This material may end up in the finished film.
10. You will have fun whether you want to or not.
If any of these guidelines are problematic for you, stop reading now and send this screenplay back where it came from.
I don't know if this is a standard set of Sodebergh guidelines or what...who cares, Soderbergh is cool.
you can call me MILK
Okay... that seals it. I wanna know what Soderbergh is up to, and I wanna know now. This sounds like him confounding all expectations again and following whatever marvelous muse it is that has his ear these days. This is funnier than Soderbergh's infamous response to Marcus Nispel's infamous END OF DAYS manifesto.
Sorry... I pretty much went and passed out after posting the story. I wasn't trying to be intentionally vague. I just assumed people remembered the story. And, yes, I know what happens when you assume something, thanks. When Nispel was "hot" for about 11 seconds, he was signed to direct END OF DAYS and had a fairly ridiculous 64-page (!!!) "Manifesto" printed and distributed, one of many things that led to his being ousted from the picture. You can find a very funny SUCK.COM article about it if you CLICK HERE. Soderbergh then wrote his own "Maniphesto," a satirical response that was very, very close to Nispel's. Although I can't find the full text from either online, someone sent me a link to a good VARIETY story that Dan Cox wrote about the parody. Because VARIETY's archives are for subscribers, I can't run a link, but I'll share a few of the highlights from Soderbergh's list of demands. Remember... read the SUCK.COM piece first. Those are the real demands Nispel made. Once you do, you'll understand where Soderbergh was coming from on the set of THE LIMEY when he put out his 10-page document featuring such demands as:
"Asst. always present at meetings. Smile when Steven speaks, frown when others speak. Be prepared to finish Steven's sentences/ideas when he drifts into incoherence and/or sleep. Remember that 'obsequious sycophant' is an accurate description of Steven's favorite people."
"Inform Steven exact moment a date falls through -- he needs to stop thinking about a woman the moment she is not viable."
"Keep Steven abreast of whom his peers are dating, whom he's losing women to, etc."
"Write break-up notes, keep them simple and direct. Keep a break-up list, and re-use concepts."
"Steven NEVER stays in the same city as the actors."
"For all pickups, the driver must meet Steven with a sign that reads RICH MAN WITH LARGE GENITALS."
"Crew should not talk to Steven unless he is about to be crushed by a falling object."
"Steven likes crunchy Jif on white bread with bananas. No one can watch Steven eat. If Steven's teeth are found, please have them returned to the production office."
"Make sure all actors can open their eyes, smile, and create expressions."
One of my particular favorites involved Steven's trailer:
"After knocking, entrants should pause 10 seconds before entering. Steven needs at least this much time to disrobe."
And his summation pretty much said it all:
"Steven is a genius. Everything he says, does, ingests, and secretes is Art. Trying to make him conform to standard ideas of behavior will only harm his Art and result in police intervention. The degrading humiliation and diminished sense of self you will experience is all part of Steven's desire to break you out of your stagnant, uninspired existence, which is not Art. Get off of yourself. Get onto Steven."
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Soderbergh is a funny, funny man. Hope this clears things up for you guys.
"Moriarty" out.
